I'm gonna have a badass scar
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
