Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
