He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
