sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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