Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
