If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
