Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
