I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
