Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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