I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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