Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
