omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
