be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
