feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
