just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i will never coherently bang her
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
