He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
