Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
