She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
