He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Randomize