don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Randomize
