Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
do nipples grow back?
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