umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
