he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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