Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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