Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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