And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
