you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
