im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
