I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the condom got lost in my hair
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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