My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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