Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
