party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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