If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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