OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
