everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
