Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
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