I wish i was in the wii world.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
