just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
