There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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