I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
