I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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