you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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