Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
