We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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