Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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