The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
