last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
