Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize