Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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