We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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