Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
