You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
