If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
