i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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