Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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