Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
