guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
