I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
