mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
