I only kidnapped one of them. chill
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
