i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
