walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this beer tastes like vomit already
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
