The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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