Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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