Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Dear god my vagina.
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