My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize