I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
