and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
