you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
