I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
