I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
