Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
