You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it because I queefed?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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