I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
