so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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