Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
