Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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