There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
