I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
