It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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