He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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