how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
