barbara walters just said penis...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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